Rating: PG-13 (for suggestive language)
Warning: sami-idiocy! flaming car salesman!
Notes: i saw a tv commercial for the new lancer the other day, and mitsubishi's tag line just snagged my attention. ^_^ btw, for those who don't know, this is the *american* commercial. oh, and i'm going to pretend that this is one of those car lots that sell cars of different manufacturers. ^_____^;;;

As usual, all car help came from the handy-dandy online hasecyclopedia. ^_~V

Company Slogan
(or Why Kyouichi Drives a Mitsubishi)

Twenty-two year old Sudou Kyouichi stood on the lot of a large car dealership looking more than a little lost. He skritched his head as he slowly spun around, taking in the sea of new shiny new cars. Idly he hoped that he wasn't having an allergic reaction to the hair dye he'd used last night.

"Hey there, sweet thing! What can I do you for?" a small, smartly dressed young man called out in a suspiciously lecherous tone from across the lot.

Kyouichi raised his eyebrows and blinked incredulously. *That* was a car salesman?

"Uh…"

The little man jauntily ran over to the perplexed looking bleached blonde.

"Hi, darling! You look overwhelmed," he placed a hand delicately on the younger man's upper arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "My name's Hank. Let me help you."

"Uh…"

"Good," Hank simpered, beaming. "Now what can I get for you?"

Kyouichi blinked rapidly. "Um… I'm looking for something fast, and flashy, but handles well."

Hank grinned, and licked his lips lasciviously [1]. "Oh wait. You were talking about cars right?" the smaller man winked at his flustered customer. "Okay. So you're into sports cars–"

"I want a car to race," Kyouichi stated his terms clearly.

"Ah," Hank smiled knowingly. "Gotcha, my friend."

With his hand still firmly attached to Kyouichi's tricep, Hank practically dragged the solid young man over to a cluster of sleek machines.

"What about these? RX-7s are very hot this year. Especially yellow!"

Kyouichi made a face. "Ew! Like what kind of freak drives a yellow car?[2] Besides, I'm looking for something with more power."

Hank "hm"-ed as he cast a roving eye over the lot. "Well," he pulled Kyouichi over to the Toyota section. "Here's our latest shipment of Supras…?"

Kyouichi shook his head. "No, that's what I was driving before…"

Hank was starting to look a little worried. These two cars had been his bestsellers this year with the streetracing crowd.

"Hmm… Are you still looking for more power?"

Kyouichi nodded solemnly.

"Well…" Hank gnawed on his lower lip.

The short man peered up at Kyouichi cautiously. "How do you feel about… 4WD?"

Kyouichi perked up. "A rally car?"

"Yes…" Hank led the cheery prospective buyer to a different corner of the car lot. "Power-wise, this next car, off the lot, is pretty much the same as your Supra[3], but you can tune it much higher. This puppy here is fast and agile," he said proudly as he laid his hand reverently on a shiny black Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution III. "It's got terrific maneuverability, *but* you'll have to put a lot of work into getting used to driving this car. Almost everything is different in a 4WD"

Kyouichi waved the warnings off with an airy gesture, eyes sparkling happily as he looked over the Evo III. "I don't mind. It'll be worth it for what I'll be able to do in this car."

Hank took a deep breath. "But if you don't mind my asking, why aren't you still driving your Supra?"

Kyouichi's gaze slid off to one side in a desperate expression, classic avoidance. "I was… in an accident."

"Oh…" Hank chewed his lip nervously. "Well, was it your fault? Because I really think I need to know before I can sell you this car. If you couldn't handle a Supra…" Hank's gaze pointedly slid over to the Lanevo.

Kyouichi felt his face flush angrily. "No! It wasn't like that!!! I…" The tall young man looked side to side, then leaned over to whisper conspiratorially the rest of the explanation directly into Hank's ear. "Ifellasleepatthewheel."

Hank blinked rapidly while maintaining his bright smile. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I. Fell. Asleep," Kyouichi forced through gritted teeth. "I was practicing on Irohazaka one night and I went kind of late. I wanted to avoid any possibility of interference from traffic. Anyway, I was on my last run and I was really tired… I swear all I did was blink! But the next thing I knew, my car was wrapped around a tree and there was a monkey jumping up and down on the roof!"

Hank tried desperately not to laugh. Unfortunately, he didn't "try" hard enough. Kyouichi scowled ferociously at the salesman, using his considerable bulk to intimidate the oddly effeminate man into silence.

Hank hurriedly choked down his laughter, clearing his throat as he straightened his tie. "Why don't we go over the features of the Evo III then, hmm?" he asked, carefully schooling his facial expression to one of complete professionalism.

So the two men walked around the car, kicked the tires a little, popped the hood and poked their heads in, slid halfway under the car, and eventually even managed to sit *inside* it. Kyouichi had slid into the driver's seat with ease wriggling about to get comfy in the Recaro bucket seat. He fondled the steering wheel lovingly, and handled the shift knob with care, smiling cutely as he imagined his friends' faces as he zoomed past them in this bad-ass machine. As for Hank, he was sitting cheerily in the passenger seat, quietly smiling to himself as he imagined *his* friends' reactions if they saw him sitting in a car with *that* piece of yumminess at the wheel.

However, Kyouichi eyed the price tag gloomily.

Hank broke the silence when it looked like Kyouichi wasn't about to move (either to buy, leave, or ask him out on a date). "And… " his voice trailed off as he waggled his eyebrows in what was supposed to be an enticing gesture. "Here!" The man reached into the glove compartment and whipped out a square of white fabric. "It comes with a free bandanna! And boy, with *that* bleach job, you could use it, honey!"

Kyouichi gingerly took the cloth in hand, delicately unfolding it. Printed on one corner was Mitsubishi's red diamond logo, and under it was some kind of writing. Kyouichi squinted, and brought the fabric up to his face for closer inspection.

Kyouichi slowly lowered the bandanna and glared at the grinning salesman. "Oh, 'ha ha'. I bet you think you're funny."

Hank smirked. "Oh I *know* I'm funny, baby. Do you want the car or not?"

Kyouichi clutched the bandanna, squeezing it tightly, reluctant to let go. His wallet made a desperate and frantic bid for freedom, but all it succeeded in doing was leaping into its owner's free hand. Kyouichi looked down at the worn brown leather surface. Taking a deep breath, Kyouichi looked up at Hank with a definite fire in his eyes. He folded the bandanna so as to hide the red lettering, then, slowly and deliberately, he tied it on his head, gangsta-style.

"Ah, good choice, lover, you won't regret it," Hank purred as he plucked Kyouichi's wallet from suddenly lax fingers. "I take it you'll be using your credit card?" he asked rhetorically as he pulled it out. "Let's go back to my office to hammer out the details, shall we?"

Kyouichi got out of the car in a daze. "W…wait a sec. Did you just call me *lover*???"

"Yah…" Hank sidled up to the other man.

"I'm not… I mean I hardly know you!"

Hank smirked sultrily as he reached over tucked Kyouichi's wallet back into its owner's pants, sneaking in a good grope. "Well then, let's remedy that, shall we?"

THE END

[1] oookay… the answer is, i just *really* like that phrase "licked his lips lasciviously"… ^O^;;

[2] O_o ooo… kei's gonna kill me for that one…. >_>